on fulfillment

This year has felt very long, like I've lived several different lives throughout its course. I have made it through a long-distance relationship, an engagement, a 900-mile move to a big city, my first full time job, my best friend's wedding, photographing ten weddings, one sister's high school graduation, the deaths of people I love, a wide variety of mountain adventures, and conducting almost 15 of these interviews (though only half got published). And those are just the big moments.

Through all of that, I've tried to keep the idea of "fulfillment" at the forefront of my mind. What does it mean to be fulfilled? To really seek it, to feel it, to live it.

When I think of fulfillment, I flash back to summertime, to being sixteen years old, to nighttimes that unfurl in the impossibly infinite way that comes with youth. I picture driving in repeated circles around roundabouts and laughing with my friends until our ribs are sore, our hair windblown and wild. I remember knowing that these nights were something divine, composed of simple, sacred, utterly delightful moments. I was not stressed or laboring over my purpose in life. I was simply living it. 

That's not to say I don't think we should pursue fulfillment actively and intentionally. I believe the people, activities, and habits we allow in our lives impact us deeply. The things we invest in have the power to radically uplift us, adequately satisfy us, or slowly destroy us. It's so vital for us to think about how we're spending our day to day lives.

Those two ideas might sound contradictory, but I really think they go hand in hand. My job is to bridge the gap between them: to create a lifestyle in which there are more moments that I truly inhabit.

Realistically, this looks like being intentional with my time. I know that using a spare hour to write or paint is going to fill me up more than watching Netflix. Asking questions and actively listening to my loved ones will give me more rewarding relationships than if I'm distracted by my phone or only talking about myself. And so on. 

Life is mostly composed of what some would deem the "mundane moments." But I think those small, seemingly insignificant times can bring us the most fulfillment if we're living in the right mindset. The poet Mary Oliver said, "the soul exists and is built entirely out of attentiveness." The more I've lived with the idea of fulfillment at my core, the more I've found this to be true. I am in constant awe of the how the sky shifts every day and trees that change and babies smiling in the grocery store. You could say I'm wearing rose-colored glasses or that my naive idealism is showing, but I believe the beauty of life can constantly floor you if you let it. So I let it. 

No matter what 2015 brought you, I hope you can look back and find fulfillment scattered throughout. I hope this next year overflows with it and leaves you laughing at the abundance.

no. 7 - finding beauty in everything

I hate that our culture limits the word "soulmate" to an exclusively romantic context. I'm a firm believer that soulmates can come in a variety of shapes and sizes in this very complex life, many of them very unromantic. Elise Heuberger is one of the biggest reasons I've crafted this soulmate theory. She's one of the most hard-working, hilarious, emotionally intelligent humans I've ever met. Knowing her makes me want to live more fully, because she clearly derives so much joy from every single thing she does. Due to a shared love of words, we had our Kindred Conversation while wandering McKay Bookstore and grabbing coffee at the nearby Whole Foods. I'm so excited I get to share some deeper insight into one of the most lovely humans to walk the planet.

Tell me about yourself and what you’re all about.

I am attracted to anything that is beautiful (which is why I love you, Kelsey!) This includes people (hi Mom, hi Dad, hi Matt) as well as words (my favorite is “ethereal”), peonies, pianos, swing dancing, Indian food, modern art (Kandinsky), modern literature (Woolf), and my cat Dietrich, who has a beautiful name. I also believe in beautiful ideas, like justice and service, which is why I am pursuing a career in law.  

Why is beauty important to the human experience?

Personally, it's an aesthetic thing. Whenever I see something beautiful - especially nature - I get the feeling of being overwhelmed. Sometimes I'll get teary eyed if I see or hear something pretty. It's like being connected when I'm in nature. It's like God created this beautiful thing and I'm being drawn in to the Earth and his creation. And when I see other people that are creating beauty or being beautiful in their own way, it's like they're allowing me to become more connected to them. People think that I get emotional about beauty because I'm a girl, but I don't know if that's true. I just feel a deeper connection to nature or anything that's trying to express our humanity. 

What's your favorite thing about being an emotional person?

I think when you're an emotional person, you have a really good intuition. My mom always tells me I have a very high emotional intelligence - there's an EQ the same way there's an IQ. When you're really in touch with your own emotions, you can read them on others really easily. I feel like that's how I get along with people and understand them. I usually know how most people are feeling, what they're thinking - and that's a direct result of being an emotional person. I legitimately have empathy - not just in my mind, but in my body. When I see someone in pain, my legs literally start to ache. I could never be a doctor or nurse!

In what setting do you feel the most naturally yourself?

By the water. My friends and family would agree that I am guilty of becoming pool-crazy during the summers. Most recently, I spent the entire month of May searching for a pool to call my own, and when I daydream, I imagine myself as a pirate (think Pirates of Caribbean, not Somalia). But honestly, it’s the ocean that draws me in. The last time I was at the beach, I literally dropped to my knees to praise the majesty of Mother Ocean. When God created me, He must have tethered my heartbeat to the tides and fastened my soul to the currents, because I feel most at home near the sea. 

What about the ocean draws you in?
I've been going to the beach since two months after I was born. I've heard that when people are grieving or anxious or stressed, the water is the most calming place for them. It's a place of healing for a lot of people. I find it's very peaceful because it makes me think I'm very small, and it's such a big, wide world out there. My favorite thing to do its get a pair of binoculars and look out at the ocean as far as I can to the horizon, and I just love that you can't see land. It makes me feel very protected, but also it's very scary.

If you could give one piece of advice to your younger self, what would it be?
Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

Give me your definition of the word “fulfillment.” What does it mean and what does it look like in your own life?

The word is “timshel.” It’s a Hebrew word that John Steinbeck best explains in East of Eden (disclaimer: I’m not a Steinbeck fan. I think Grapes of Wrath has an atrocious ending; however, the man did give me “timshel,” so I owe him some props). “Timshel” means “thou mayest.” Not “thou must” or “thou can,” but “thou may.” In the Bible, Steinbeck explains, God told men “timshel”—you may choose. The “may” gives us a choice between good and evil.

So we go through life with all these choices. Choose to be optimistic or choose to be pessimistic. Choose to be humane or choose to be cruel. Choose to be giving or choose to be withholding. Choose to love or choose to hate.

A close friend has told me that she wants her life to be infinite, which I understand to mean that her personal fulfillment means leaving a positive and lasting impact on the world. She wants to be a doctor; I want to be a lawyer, and a certain type of fulfillment (healing people, fighting for justice) naturally flows from those roles. However, real fulfillment for me isn’t academic or professional, but relational—getting to know people intimately, touching their souls with your own soul, if you will. This is more than just helping people or being kind to them. This requires making affirmative choices about the way that we care for someone else’s soul.

I’m only 23 but I already know that the human soul is not immune to fragility. God gives us freedom when He gives us choices over our actions, and a fulfilling lifestyle is one that honors the sacredness of our own souls by choosing to nurture instead of demean; choosing to welcome instead of reject; choosing to bless instead of to curse. As John Donne said, “no man is an island, entire of itself: every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main.” I think it’s possible to achieve a certain infiniteness—fulfillment—if we choose to take care of one another. 

How do you apply your definition of fulfillment to every day life?

I haven't done a good job of it recently, so it's hard for me to speak to that. I've been focusing on myself, my education and staying afloat, and I've put others on the back burner. But if you live by yourself and don't try to form relationships with other people, then you're extracting yourself from the world. You're extracting yourself from the possibility of becoming a memory for someone, or having a positive impact on someone, which could impact the whole world. By restricting yourself so much, you restrict the human experience and all our interconnectedness. I'm all about seeing the world as this interconnected place. 

Isn't it so beautiful to think everything is connected? Working on this post made me feel so grateful for the lives and experiences that have touched mine. Recently, I've been thinking more about what's truly essential in my life, and relationships are at the top of the list. In the end, people will remember how you made them feel, and I want to make them feel so much warmth. It's very grounding to be reminded of that. 

As you might know, I'm living in Boston now - which makes this project a little harder to conduct, since I know virtually no one in this city! However, I've been scribbling furiously in my journals about fulfillment for the entire year, so I may be sorting through those notes to create a few posts in this space.

If you know someone in the Boston area that might like to have a Kindred Conversation, or if YOU want to have one on my next trip to Knoxville, just fill out the contact form on the left side of this blog. Thank you for reading, beautiful friends! 

no. 6 - you feel fantastically

One of the best compliments I’ve ever received is “you feel fantastically.” I’ve always treasured those words because I think that our ability to create is strongly linked to our ability to feel. That sentiment is at the heart of my conversation with Kelsey Keny, who shares my name, my passion for channeling personal experience into art, and my ability to chat at length about the greatest works of Taylor Swift. Upon meeting me, she immediately told me that she loved me, and I knew without hesitation that I loved her too - how could I not? She exudes joy in its purest form, the kind that instantly makes you breathe more easily. Perhaps best known for her time spent as Student Body President of UTK, not many know that Kelsey is also an avid songwriter, an outlet that helps her process life and its intense highs and lows. On a warm July day, we sneaked into a practice room in UT’s Music Building, where she gave me a private concert. Her songs are indeed Swift-esque in that they just house so much genuine emotion, and I instantly fell in love with Kelsey's willingness to be vulnerable. In between songs, she opened up about her songwriting, the importance of feeling small, and her abundant passion for people:

When do you feel the most naturally yourself?

Laughing. Really laughing. Or, when I’m listening to or performing music that has a “magic chord.” That’s just a personal term I use for when a song has this cathartic moment that’s so amazingly written and the chord just swells and hits you right in the heart and you close your eyes and connect and somehow you're holding on and letting go at the same time and it’s everything.

Tell me about yourself and what you’re all about.
I feel a lot. And I feel strongly. As in, when I feel something, I feel it big-time. Because I really give myself to the people and experiences that are part of my life. It's incredibly rewarding, because that means I get the most out of life. Like, when something is wonderful I get so much joy or excitement or happiness....on the flip-side, it's difficult because when something is bad, I get a great deal of heartbreak or sadness. It's probably why I'm pretty bad at getting over things, getting past situations that hurt my heart. Probably my favorite quote of all time is from Jack Kerouac's On the Road: "The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars." I saw that quote on a greeting card in a store once, and I felt like finally I had identified who I was. I'm mad, I'm crazy. I feel a lot because I invest in things I’m passionate about. And I wouldn't have it any other way. Because I like getting the most of every feeling—whether joy or sadness. That sounds like the only way to truly do this (this, as in 'life').

I’m all about stories. Reading them, writing them, hearing, collecting, sharing them. People need stories. They’re how we learn, grow, and relate to the world around us. I’m always viewing life like it’s a story unfolding. But I’ve learned it’s crucial to remember it’s not my story—that there are billions of other perspectives and points of view all around me that make up life.

What legacy would you like to leave behind as you move forward in life?
I want to care about people. I want to be someone who invests in others. In learning others’ stories. In helping anyone to feel his or her sense of worth, whether it’s from a short exchange of greetings or an extended opportunity getting to know them. I know I talk a lot about feelings, but I also know that love is more than a feeling. Love is a verb. Love is intentional. Love is something we choose to do and choose to give. I want to be intentional with people and love like Jesus. I want to be someone people know they can relate to and count on, whether that’s just to grab milkshakes and listen in a difficult time or to help with some crazy dream of theirs.

Where does your passion for people stem from?
I’ve always been a people person. But when I was considering fulfillment and what that meant, I kept going back to the fact it has to do with other people and being there for them. I’ve learned that every person has a story, and it’s just about taking the time to sit down and listen to them. It’s funny, because I’m a friendly introvert, so I rely on personal time and I like to be alone. But without others, is it worth it? People are just what make everything worth it. I get joy from others and their experiences and how we connect with one another. We should all have each other’s backs and support each other. We’re all we’ve got.

Why did you choose this particular activity for the Kindred Conversations project?
As someone who sings and writes and has a lot of feelings, I've been trying to write songs for a while. When I was younger, I'd write a chorus-here or a verse-there, but I could never form an entire song about anything. So mostly I would just stick to singing real songs from real musicians...but then finally last summer, I was just really needing to express some heart-stuff musically, and singing other people's words wasn't enough anymore. I kept playing some notes and melodies and mumbling out some emotions and lyric ideas...and before too long, I had a song. It was a super rough-cut, I was improv-ing most of the piano, and it had a lot going on...but it was my song. And it felt amazing. So I kept going with it. I've written songs about joyful moments and heartbreaking ones. Even if it's just me singing alone in my room, it's a really special way to express things that are too much to hold inside. I'm not a legit musician or songwriter, but it's become another means of journaling for me. And it's so fun. When you're writing/singing and you get something just right--like the combination of a phrase with the right notes...it strikes a chord in your heart, pun intended, every single time.

So I picked this because it's probably my favorite thing to do. It's also something I've only ever done for like, 3 other people. I don't know if anyone else knows I do this. But I think vulnerable expression is a good thing, and the best part of any music is sharing it.

How did you choose which songs to play for me today?
When I was trying to figure out a “set list” for today, there were some that really capture feelings that I needed to get out. Sometimes you write a song and you’re happy when you’re like, “I’ve said what I needed to say with this piece.” I think the ones from today are those songs. They encompass the feeling and emotion I needed them to encompass. Every time I play or sing them, no matter how old they become, that feeling is just as powerful. I’m proud of them for that. It’s awesome to put those feelings into music because it’s such a vital part of my life.

If you had to choose a song to represent this season of your life, what would it be and why?
I use this one at different points in my life. If I had a soundtrack to my life, this one would be on it. “Just Around the Riverbend” from Pocahontas. I love the first line, “What I love most about rivers is you can’t step in the same river twice.” I’m in a very transitional point of my life -  I don’t even know where I’m going or what I’m doing in the next season. I have a lot of uncertainties, and there are a lot of scary moments that come along with it. But at the same time, I have a lot of dreams that extend just around the riverbend, and I’m excited to see what’s up ahead. This season of life has a lot of changes and transitions, and I’m looking to do something new. To step in a new river. The unknown is terrifying, but that’s where all the best things in life come from.

Give me your definition of the word “fulfillment.” What does it mean and what does it look like in your own life?
I can’t shake true fulfillment apart from Jesus. I think what fulfillment looks like is different for each individual, based on his or her relationship with Christ. But I think for everyone it comes with humbling yourself and submitting to a Plan that is greater than any one we come up with ourselves. I think fulfillment means taking up your cross and asking for His guidance instead of depending on your own. I used to try to fit God into my plans, until I realized my plans are broken, I am broken…but I can find fulfillment through Him because his grace is so, so good. And that’s not as easy as it sounds…because I’m a selfish being—who wants earthly things. But I’m inspired by the fulfillment Christ gives because of how small He makes me feel. Which sounds kind of backwards, but I love being humbled by God and being reminded that I, and everything around me, am just a speck—that He created! There are a lot of ways to take the word “fulfillment” and define it, and I can think of different ways to spin it…but for me, it has to be a spiritual thing. Because I don’t think any other fulfillment would be half as real or sweet.

Tell me more about the role faith plays in your life. Growing up, I always went to church with my family - but honestly, that’s just what you did. Church was a routine. That thought occurred to me as I was getting older. It’s something that’s expected of you and not something that everyone is truly invested in. Jaded is not the right word, but it made me take a good look at faith and where it stood in my life…. What can be one of the most harmful things to any religion or faith is when people go through the motions with it. I recognized even when I was little that was never something I wanted to do. I didn’t want to do it because I was “supposed to.” I knew that it was something I wanted to be very serious about. I wanted it to really mean something, and I think my journey has always revolved around that factor. I’m striving every day to live for God and love him the best I can.

How do you apply the advice from Warren Bennis to “enjoy the process of becoming” practically to your everyday life?
It’s so easy to think that life begins “here.” Like when you’re younger, you think that life begins when you’re sixteen and you can drive. Or life begins when I’m 21 and have a lot more freedoms and responsibilities. Or life begins when I graduate college, or when I’m married. We do that too much. I used to apply those same things - like, “I’ll get around to going after my dreams when I’m more mature or older or when I achieve something.” But no, it’s in every little thing!

I’ve learned to appreciate moments more. Life is not one big moment. You could win the Nobel Prize, and winning it isn’t going to be the moment of your life. It’s all the moments that led to that and made you the person who got there. The best moments are when you did what you loved. You’ll miss everything that goes by while you’re waiting to become the best version of yourself. Love who you are now.

I love Kelsey's zeal for leading a full life - it's very contagious. In a conversation so rich in love and depth, it's hard for me to choose exactly what impacts me the most. I think the words that move me the most are the ones that urge us not to go through the motions - not only spiritually, but in every corner of our life. Kelsey is clearly living intentionally in how she worships, how she creates, and most of all, how she loves. And while part of me wonders if it's exhausting to throw your entire self into everything in that manner, another part of me knows that's exactly what leading a fulfilling life demands.

I'm so happy to be back in the swing of conducting these interviews, so if you have any interest in sitting down with me, don't hesitate to fill out the Let's Connect form on the lefthand sidebar, and we'll do just that!

what lies behind // what lies ahead

In case you wondered where I’ve been on my unannounced, unexpected hiatus, I’ll answer simply: I got distracted. You know how every new year starts full of resolutions and intention, only to have your mind wander and resolve fail? That’s been my experience this year. For me, life has always been a circle of wandering and re-centering my heart, an endless cycle that helps me stretch and grow as I come back to the things at my core. And while admitting that I’m human and that I lose focus easily sucks, it’s a truth I’ve learned to face.

I recently experienced loss for the first time. Big, sweeping, deep loss. And while I haven’t processed it enough to write about it in full, the past week of my life has been a push towards re-centering. Kindred Conversations represents what’s at my core (or at least, what I want to be there): a love for people, for listening, for creativity, for fully inhabiting life instead of sleepwalking through it. I know I only have a couple months left in Knoxville, but I want to conduct more of these interviews before I go.

If you want to talk, I'm ready to listen.

no. 5 - Jesstrong

This Kindred Conversation is different than others I’ve conducted. Today, the activity rests on the back burner, and it’s the conversation that matters. When Jess reached out to me, she revealed she was in the process of sharing something remarkably personal with the world (via this Daily Beacon article) - that she is a victim of rape.  But let me make one thing clear: Jess is more than a victim. She’s so much more than the unfairly placed shame, more than what was unjustly taken from her. As someone who has battled trauma, she’s earned a special authority to speak about bravery. In our talk, she speaks of how we must each cultivate our own personal brand of strength. I hope her words, or at the very least her courage, inspires you today.

Tell me about yourself and what you’re all about.
Hmm.. there is really no short answer to this question and I believe we are in a constant state of change; therefore, we are someone new every single day. Without that, we would be existing, not actually living. I was giving a conscience and a soul to do more than go through the motions of the day. I’m extremely multifaceted and well rounded and am the person who aims to try everything at least once. I see the world through realist and compassionate eyes. My heart was built to genuinely love people, sometimes more than I would like to admit or can control. Many people have described me as being “fire” or “having a fire within” and I embrace that. When theres something I’m passionate about, you won’t stop me from doing what I want/needs to be done. In what setting do you feel the most naturally yourself? Whenever music is around, I feel like myself. I’ve never met anyone else who can describe it like this, but when I’m at a concert, or just have the music blaring in my car, I can physically feel the music. I can feel the bass go along with my heartbeat. It feels like the melody has almost woven itself into the fibers of my body. And if the lyrics actually have more than teenage angst and a meaning behind it, then its mine. Along with that, I don’t know how it has happened or even why, but the children just flock to me. They always have. When I was a child, there would always be a younger kid come up to me at the water park and decide to be my best friend. Since I was very vocal with how I wanted to play and think things were the best (aka totally not bossy), I would keep them around. But even as I have gotten older, I have had more natural connections with children than some adults. They haven’t been hit with the two faced slander of the world yet, if you don’t look good one day, they will tell you. I have mastered the talent of going straight from conversations about my life to talking about the make believe fairies that are in the room. I think this environment will be called “motherhood” when the kids are actually mine, but for right now, its called just being “miss jess”.

Tell me what you learned from working with children.

Children are very straight-forward. The way that they look at you and perceive things and then communicate that back to you, is very simple and humble and innocent. Maybe if as we got older we kept that instead of changing to being two-faced or stabbing each other in the back or slut shaming, we'd be able to keep that innocence as we grew up.

Give me your definition of the word “fulfillment.” What does it mean and what does it look like in your own life?
Fulfillment to me is when you have put your entire being in to something (maybe a project or something creative) and the Lord comes in, takes what you have done, and completes it with an immeasurably more outcome. It is that moment in the middle of this project where you take a second and think , “holy goodness, how did my plan evolve from that to THIS?”

Who are some individuals in your own life or in history that you think have led fulfilling lives?
I don’t have a specific example of this, but I believe that anyone who has had something excruciatingly horrible happen to them and are able to rebuild themselves three times as strong, and change the outcome of someone’s life by being vulnerable, I believe its those people who can be fulfilled with the redemption of Jesus Christ in their life.

Tell me about the role that faith has played in recovering from sexual assault?

Well in the beginning, faith was not a part of it at all. It was almost to blame for it... everyone stereotypically blames God when bad things happen. I kind of blamed God for not letting me be able to process it faster. A lot of the time I thought it had been my fault because I'd been there, I'd lied to my parents about what I'd been doing. It's not my fault, but it was a huge argument between me and God that took a very long time. I've kind of realized over the five years how many people come in and out of my life. That's just the way things are, especially when I'm going from country to country. Really the only thing that's there to help me is the Lord and Holy Spirit. There's this verse that says once you've accepted Christ, you're locked and sealed. Sealed is pretty tight, if you think about it! Now that I've been able to embrace that, I can use that to be stronger. I understand what's inside me now and can tap into it as a resource.

Despite the fact that we're becoming more vocal about rape as a society, I think too many victims are still shamed into silence. Talk to me about finding the courage to start speaking up and sharing your story.

First off, I didn't really know what had happened to me. I thought I had just had sex at sixteen with someone who was not worthy of that. I was not okay with people knowing that, and the people I did tell did not react in a positive way. Our culture, especially in the Baptist world, puts a lot of pressure on saving your virginity and being this perfect little thing. I think a lot of the talk was about "don't do this because it's for later." There was no good description of why in my book. We don't have rules because of the entire gospel, but there are some set rules that are there to keep you safe, and I wish that someone had explained that. Maybe I would have understood it a little better. I think a lot of it has to do with being able to accept the fact that it's not your fault. It's a very thick kind of hurt. You can't easily put some Neosporin on it. It's a deep, nasty, go-to-the-ER kind of wound. And if you don't take care of it in whatever way is good for you, then it will still keep coming back. Our church is doing a series on redemption right now, and the one service I went to about it, I felt like the Lord was pushing me to be able to share. It was completely the Holy Spirit.

In your Daily Beacon article, you talk about cultivating your own, personal brand of strength: Jesstrong. Tell me more about the process of developing this and tell me what your strength looks like.

Basically I knew I wanted to be strong because I felt weak and damaged. What it took was for me to think, "you can be emotionally strong, you can be physically strong." I'm a tiny sliver of a human! I knew that I personally want to have more muscles and to eat what humans were created to eat. All of that effects your brain. With trauma, you have a lot of brain fog. Your brain is plastic, and when trauma and chronic stress happen, it kills the receptors in your brain and shrinks your brain. However, it can actually grow. Those receptors can actually be fixed. By eating healthy foods and being in loving relationships, I hoped to be able to not be so scared about talking about what happened or be able to finish my sentences or not completely shut down. That was just the beginning of beginning to cultivate what I think it would take to grow from this experience.

What would you say to a survivor of sexual assault who is still wrestling with his/her experience?

I'd apologize. Nothing about it is your fault at all. You can pick and choose a bunch of different points of why it could be, but in the grand scheme of things, you did nothing to deserve it. As for the healing, it's going to be a bitch. Trauma does so much to your brain. Once I realized how trauma effects your brain, I was able to look back and see why I changed the way I did. Not that the change was bad, it was just adaptive. For the healing,  I think the Lord is a huge part of it. I can't tell each person how to heal themselves because every person is different, every story is different, every situation is different. But I would say that everyone is entitled to their own feelings and their own way of processing. Your healing process will look completely different than the next person's, but you go through and figure it out.

I can’t express enough how brave Jess is. It takes remarkable strength to be this vulnerable in any circumstance, but even more so to do it on such a public level. I recently read “The Gifts of Imperfection” by Brene Brown, a psychologist who specializes in shame. Her research shows that the best way to combat shame is actually done through sharing, through vocalizing and letting others alleviate the burden by listening. Of course, it’s easier said than done when it comes to things that make us feel helpless, right?  I am absolutely passionate about listening because it’s an act of love, but even more so about amplifying those who have something important to say. We are the stories that we tell each other and ourselves. Let me help tell yours.

no. 4 - joy fuels creativity

I’m immediately overwhelmed by the smell of oil paint as Rebecca leads me into her studio space in UT’s Art & Architecture building. Becca is this person stitched entirely of a quiet loveliness, inside and out. I marvel at how she manifests this loveliness every time she puts a brush to canvas - a mark of a true artist. As she begins to set up shop for us to paint, I am reminded that there is immense power in the soft-spoken people of the world. Her gentle words seem to echo louder in the midst of the empty studio, as if they carry more weight in this quiet space. I invite you to be immersed in the wisdom she shared with me about becoming our true selves and the joy of creating:

Tell me about yourself and what you’re all about.

My name is Rebecca. I am an artist and graphic designer from TN. I was born and raised in a town right outside of Nashville, TN. I have a sweet mom and dad, a twin sister and a big sister. I think that twin-ness has shaped a lot of who I am at the core. But if I'm very honest, getting to know the character and the redemption of the Lord Jesus Christ is the richest thing that fuels my life. There are things that I could say that I’m about--art, relationships, etc, but I love to see how all of these things point me back to who He is and the story he’s been telling since the world began.

Tell me how being a twin has shaped who you are?
I just think about the way my sister has always been the more dominant, leader twin, and how that's put me in a role of stepping back and rely on her. I always call her my other mom because she's helped me so much in life. She's almost been a protector kind of friend. We never had to be lonely growing up because we had each other at school. She's recently married, and having her married has been a growing experience for me. It's taught me a lot about how I do rely on her in social settings.  I think internally she relies on me, and externally I rely on her.

In what setting do you feel the most naturally yourself?

I think that feeling most naturally myself involves vulnerability with others. I’m pretty introverted, so this setting is usually found one on one with someone. This person knows the good and the bad in me and can still deal and love me. I think it’s a lot about being known by another. There’s great worth in knowing who I am personally, but when another person is brought into the picture—and they also know me that takes it to another level where I really feel like myself.

Give me your definition of the word “fulfillment.” What does it mean and what does it look like in your own life?

Fulfillment.... Finding peace and meaningful relationships with people and with our Creator brings the most fulfilling fulfillment.

Tell me more about how you find fulfillment in the Creator.
I think being able to be vulnerable with God. For a long time I would go to God and try to take my best self to him. But I've learned that everything is free game and nothing is too yucky to take to him. Any desires, longings, questions - whatever it is, I can take it to him. And that's fulfilling, to know that he knows me fully.

If you could say something to the entire world, what would it be?
To quote a current spiritual leader in my life, Jesus is the hope for every longing. There is freedom and life found in him that nothing else can stand up against. He’s literally at the right hand of God at this moment—constantly interceding for us. He is gentle and humble in heart. Knowing him is not about rules or doing good but about a deeply redemptive relationship with the sweetest King who reigns forever!  

If you could give one piece of advice to your younger self, what would it be?

Loaded question. Fear not. I’ve been telling myself this for a long time, and I wish I would’ve grasped it sooner. I’m still learning that life isn’t about being comfortable or feeling safe. I would say that fear isn’t allowed to run my life, but sometimes it steps in to show me the areas where I need to press in and grow.  

If discomfort promotes growth, then what's the next uncomfortable step for you?
I think currently it's putting my work out there. The Honest Brush, which I just created, has been pressing every single button that I have, and it's been pushing me to think about who I am, what I want my work to be about, and who I want it to speak to. I'm asking what I want to more subtle about and what I want to be bold about. That's uncomfortable for me because it's very personal for me. I think it takes a lot of strength, and sometimes I don't know if I have the strength or the faith to do that.

Why did you choose this particular activity for the Kindred Conversations project?

Mmm, I suppose I chose painting because it is such a place of freedom for me. I get to express what words fail to capture. Art is a lot about message making, sending and receiving. Painting is like an extension of myself… via paint on canvas. It’s as if I’m connecting the dots as I get to convey emotions, thoughts, memories, beliefs and all these things that lack a physical presence in life.

Is is challenging to have studied in a major that demands you to be creative constantly?
Yes! It's very hard. Sometimes it can dry out your work process or creative flow because it's not always natural. But sometimes it's good practice for perseverance in creativity, to figure out the ebb and flow of your own process and how to push through dry spells. But I feel like I've learned a lot because you're pushed in so many different directions.

What inspires you creatively?

People, nature, other artists and their unique perspectives. I find that when I’m feeling really happy or joyful I want to create. I talk with people all the time that claim “I’m not creative!”  “ So not true", I argue. We were created in the image of the ultimate Creator! I think we each just have to find what to tap into within ourselves, and creativity looks really different for everyone… which is really inspiring. It inspires me to take my own creative perspective and go for it.

Talk to me about relating to God as a creative being, because I think that sentiment is very powerful.
I think painting is an act of appreciation to God because I feel like he's the ultimate painter. Maybe that sounds cliche, but he is! I look at the sky and I think "wow, that's such art." I feel like painting is an act of worship, in a way. People have been painting about him since painting began.

Whether or not you believe in a higher power, I think Becca’s musings on fulfillment can apply to everyone - there is remarkable joy both in creating and in letting ourselves be known. Being vulnerable, whether it is to God or to a person, is terrifying. At least it is for me. Any time I feel exposed, my fight-or-flight instincts kick in. But I believe that authenticity is a major key to both fulfillment and creativity. If we deny the ability to be vulnerable, we deny our humanity. That’s part of why this project is so important to me. I want to create a space for that authenticity, both in myself and others, despite the fact is requires some risks for both parties. The risk is always worth the reward.

You should all visit Becca's website, The Honest Brush, because it's absolutely breathtaking. I'd love to have a Kindred Conversation with YOU! Just fill out the contact form on the sidebar. As always, I'm abundantly grateful that you read this.